The 4 Cs of Relationships

We all have heard of the four Cs of diamond grading: Carat, cut, color, clarity, but have you heard of four 4 Cs of relationships? They are: Chemistry, compatibility, communication, and closeness, and what makes a relationship what it is, good, bad, or somewhere in between.


Chemistry is the intense feeling of excitement we experience when we meet someone new towards whom we feel physical or sexual attraction. Many of us believe it is the basis for a relationship - and it is a good start, assuming all other Cs are present as well - but in reality, it is nothing more than an intense chemical reaction of PEA (phenyl ethylamine) in the brain. When overwhelming, it can literally put us on cloud nine and prevent us from recognizing and protecting ourselves from toxic relationships. Chemistry includes sexual chemistry, we're-so- comfortable chemistry, we-laugh-like crazy-together chemistry, we're-so-complementary chemistry, and we-have-so-much in common chemistry. In True Love and Chemistry: Finding Your Soul Mate, author Toni Coleman even describes a "hidden element" of chemistry, which Kahlil Gibran calls "spiritual infinity" and defines as "Two beings (who) meet and connect on a deeper level".

Compatibility: World renowned Dr. Barbara De Angelis points out that "Love is not enough to make a relationship work. It needs compatibility and it needs commitment." She advises to look for six lasting inner strengths in a partner: commitment to personal growth, emotional openness, integrity, maturity and responsibility, high self-esteem, and a positive attitude toward life. She also warns about what she calls "Compatibility Time Bombs," defined as significant age difference, different religious, social, ethnic, or educational backgrounds, antagonistic in-laws, ex-spouse, or stepchildren, and long distance relationships. Even when these compatibility time bombs are not present in your relationship, you still need someone who shares your values, morals, intellectual and cultural tastes, physical, emotional, social, spiritual, communication, and love styles, and some of your interests and hobbies. Basically, while you do not need an exact replica of who you are, you want a partner who would be "your ideal vision of yourself."

Communication: Watch not only for verbal, but also for physical clues. As you have heard many times over, "Actions speak louder than words." For physical and action clues, I will refer you to the book (and movie) "He is just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo. Small talk, talk avoidance, the "Geez.. I am so busy this week", and not returning your phone calls speak for themselves. People are never too busy for what they truly want and put on their list of priorities what they choose, be it you, their family or friends, their job, their sports, or whatever else. In terms of verbal communication, keep in mind that we talk a lot but communicate very little. Some of us are so busy talking that we fail to listen. We are so focused on our own agenda that we forget a relationship is about "WE and US" not about "I and ME." Talking to oneself is a monologue, not a dialogue. Harville Hendrix, author of Keeping the Love You Find, created the Imago relationship therapy, which consists in three communication steps: Mirroring (listening and repeating what the other person says in YOUR OWN words to ensure that you truly understand the message), Validation (putting your own perspective on hold and making a conscious effort to "see the world in your partner's point of view), and Empathy ("Given what you told me, I can imagine how you might be feeling"). Grant it, communicating vs. talking takes time and patience, but it's well worth the effort.

Closeness is measured in terms of physical and emotional distance. Physical distance prevents us from truly getting to know each other on a deep emotional level, spending time together, enjoying one another, being there for each other, and providing support. Emotional distance happens when we are emotionally elsewhere, even though we may be physically together. When a person emotionally or physically withdraws from the relationship, s/he robs his or her partner of love, caring, affection, and intimacy, and causes pain, resentment, and possibly the temptation to feel the void through some other source. Sometimes, what causes a partner to withdraw emotionally is the fact that s/he is attracted to someone else (more often than not, at work) and allows that attraction to hurt the existing relationship. Unfortunately the grass is not, or rarely, greener on the other side, and the only thing that makes it appear enticing is your PEA hormones. Trading partner is trading one set of problems for another, and many cheaters who lose their spouse live to regret it.

Is there a secret to a happy lasting marriage? Marriage counselors will tell you that people who stay together do not have less marital issues than people who get divorced. They just approach marriage and marital issues differently. Marriage and relationships in general are about giving, and divorce is usually the result of selfishness on the part of one of both partners. If each of you gives more than expects, how can you possibly fail? This giving principle is thoroughly explained by author Willard F. Harley, Jr, in the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. He describes the husband's need for sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support (do keep the house clean and fix dinner), and admiration (sense of security), and the wife's need for affection, conversation, honesty and openness (sense of security), financial support, and family commitment as being things that each spouse must be able to provide for the other.

Before you contemplate being in a relationship, first realize that to find the right partner, you need to be the right partner. Proceed to get to know yourself and figure out what you are willing to compromise and what you are not. Answer the question: "Why do I want to be in a relationship?" and ensure that your answer has everything to do with a want and nothing to do with a need, like the need to make ends meet, the need for sexual fulfillment, or because you are emotionally needy and can't stand being alone. Need-based relationships are not happy ones. Only when you are whole, can you become someone's better half. As Claire Kamp Dush (study of Marital Instability over the Life Course, interviews with 691 individuals) noted, romantic relationships have the potential to affect people's mental health, physical health, sexuality, and financial status, and not only yours, but that of your children and possibly other family members as well: "People who are not in stable romantic relationships tend to report lower self-esteem, less life satisfaction, less happiness, and more distress." Once you know yourself, get to know your partner. Together, take Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages test and answer the many questions from Corey Donaldson's book Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!. Remember, "There are only two reasons men (and possibly women) don't get married: "They are not ready" and "You're not the one." (Author unknown). The rest is just excuses.

"For You See, Each Day I Love You More;
Today More than Yesterday and Less than Tomorrow."
Rosemonde Gerard


Joelle Osias, M.B.A.
Author, Get The Life You Deserve
President and C.E.O. Osias International, LLC