I got this odd feedback from a friend this morning: "You are pushy!" It came across as one of the strangest things I have ever heard said about me, especially when I felt like he was the pushy one. So, I had to ask him to expand on his remark, and the response was, "Well, I am your friend and you keep pushing me away! I am not the enemy here!"
Being pushy and pushing away are two different things, but when you think about it, one is the consequence of the other. You probably have heard at some point in your lifetime that we project onto others our own feelings and emotions. He called me pushy, because pushy is what he is in our relationship. So, that's how he sees me, when he projects his own behavior onto me. Because he is pushy, I am pushing away or pushing back.
We push back because we feel pushed, pressured, bothered, or annoyed in some way. We push away someone or something that is a nuisance. So, if you ever feel "pushed away", ask yourself what might cause you to feel that way. Are you really pushed away, or do you feel pushed away because the other person is not responding to you the way you expect him or her to respond? Are you offering advice that is unsolicited? Are you trying to force your way into a group that you don't "fit in" and/or that does not welcome you? Are you falsely calling yourself a friend when your real motive is to have an intimate relationship with a person who isn't interested in you in that manner? Are you giving your opinion when no one asked you to? Are you overly attentive to someone's needs when s/he is only asking for peace and space and doesn't want you to act like it is the end of the world every time s/he sneezes?
Realize that the harder you push, the harder you will feel or will be pushed back. In other words, if you feel like the other person really resents you and is sick of you, chances are, it's because you are nauseatingly forcing yourself, your ways, or what you want on that person. That person literally feels victimized by your actions, because s/he truly is. The fact that you want something from someone doesn't mean s/he wants the same from you. You may feel that you are attentive to someone's needs and wants out of love for him or her, while that person suffocates under your overwhelming attention.
At some point, you may feel like you are doing so much and that the other is ungrateful, when that person's side of the story is that you are doing TOO much and driving him or her insane. Eventually, it gets to the point where the more you "love" them, the more they "hate" you. Love is about giving, not forcing. Love is about sharing, not imposing. Love is about being there for the other, not about suffocating the other. Healthy love is reciprocated. Sick love is a one way relationship with yourself and about yourself.
Joelle Osias, M.B.A.
Author, Get The Life You Deserve
Teen Examiner, Examiner.com
President and C.E.O., Osias International, LLC
