I got this odd feedback from a friend this morning: "You are pushy!" It came across as one of the strangest things I have ever heard said about me, especially when I felt like he was the pushy one. So, I had to ask him to expand on his remark, and the response was, "Well, I am your friend and you keep pushing me away! I am not the enemy here!"
Being pushy and pushing away are two different things, but when you think about it, one is the consequence of the other. You probably have heard at some point in your lifetime that we project onto others our own feelings and emotions. He called me pushy, because pushy is what he is in our relationship. So, that's how he sees me, when he projects his own behavior onto me. Because he is pushy, I am pushing away or pushing back.
We push back because we feel pushed, pressured, bothered, or annoyed in some way. We push away someone or something that is a nuisance. So, if you ever feel "pushed away", ask yourself what might cause you to feel that way. Are you really pushed away, or do you feel pushed away because the other person is not responding to you the way you expect him or her to respond? Are you offering advice that is unsolicited? Are you trying to force your way into a group that you don't "fit in" and/or that does not welcome you? Are you falsely calling yourself a friend when your real motive is to have an intimate relationship with a person who isn't interested in you in that manner? Are you giving your opinion when no one asked you to? Are you overly attentive to someone's needs when s/he is only asking for peace and space and doesn't want you to act like it is the end of the world every time s/he sneezes?
Realize that the harder you push, the harder you will feel or will be pushed back. In other words, if you feel like the other person really resents you and is sick of you, chances are, it's because you are nauseatingly forcing yourself, your ways, or what you want on that person. That person literally feels victimized by your actions, because s/he truly is. The fact that you want something from someone doesn't mean s/he wants the same from you. You may feel that you are attentive to someone's needs and wants out of love for him or her, while that person suffocates under your overwhelming attention.
At some point, you may feel like you are doing so much and that the other is ungrateful, when that person's side of the story is that you are doing TOO much and driving him or her insane. Eventually, it gets to the point where the more you "love" them, the more they "hate" you. Love is about giving, not forcing. Love is about sharing, not imposing. Love is about being there for the other, not about suffocating the other. Healthy love is reciprocated. Sick love is a one way relationship with yourself and about yourself.
Joelle Osias, M.B.A.
Author, Get The Life You Deserve
Teen Examiner, Examiner.com
President and C.E.O., Osias International, LLC
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The 4 Cs of Relationships
We all have heard of the four Cs of diamond grading: Carat, cut, color, clarity, but have you heard of four 4 Cs of relationships? They are: Chemistry, compatibility, communication, and closeness, and what makes a relationship what it is, good, bad, or somewhere in between.
Chemistry is the intense feeling of excitement we experience when we meet someone new towards whom we feel physical or sexual attraction. Many of us believe it is the basis for a relationship - and it is a good start, assuming all other Cs are present as well - but in reality, it is nothing more than an intense chemical reaction of PEA (phenyl ethylamine) in the brain. When overwhelming, it can literally put us on cloud nine and prevent us from recognizing and protecting ourselves from toxic relationships. Chemistry includes sexual chemistry, we're-so- comfortable chemistry, we-laugh-like crazy-together chemistry, we're-so-complementary chemistry, and we-have-so-much in common chemistry. In True Love and Chemistry: Finding Your Soul Mate, author Toni Coleman even describes a "hidden element" of chemistry, which Kahlil Gibran calls "spiritual infinity" and defines as "Two beings (who) meet and connect on a deeper level".
Compatibility: World renowned Dr. Barbara De Angelis points out that "Love is not enough to make a relationship work. It needs compatibility and it needs commitment." She advises to look for six lasting inner strengths in a partner: commitment to personal growth, emotional openness, integrity, maturity and responsibility, high self-esteem, and a positive attitude toward life. She also warns about what she calls "Compatibility Time Bombs," defined as significant age difference, different religious, social, ethnic, or educational backgrounds, antagonistic in-laws, ex-spouse, or stepchildren, and long distance relationships. Even when these compatibility time bombs are not present in your relationship, you still need someone who shares your values, morals, intellectual and cultural tastes, physical, emotional, social, spiritual, communication, and love styles, and some of your interests and hobbies. Basically, while you do not need an exact replica of who you are, you want a partner who would be "your ideal vision of yourself."
Communication: Watch not only for verbal, but also for physical clues. As you have heard many times over, "Actions speak louder than words." For physical and action clues, I will refer you to the book (and movie) "He is just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo. Small talk, talk avoidance, the "Geez.. I am so busy this week", and not returning your phone calls speak for themselves. People are never too busy for what they truly want and put on their list of priorities what they choose, be it you, their family or friends, their job, their sports, or whatever else. In terms of verbal communication, keep in mind that we talk a lot but communicate very little. Some of us are so busy talking that we fail to listen. We are so focused on our own agenda that we forget a relationship is about "WE and US" not about "I and ME." Talking to oneself is a monologue, not a dialogue. Harville Hendrix, author of Keeping the Love You Find, created the Imago relationship therapy, which consists in three communication steps: Mirroring (listening and repeating what the other person says in YOUR OWN words to ensure that you truly understand the message), Validation (putting your own perspective on hold and making a conscious effort to "see the world in your partner's point of view), and Empathy ("Given what you told me, I can imagine how you might be feeling"). Grant it, communicating vs. talking takes time and patience, but it's well worth the effort.
Closeness is measured in terms of physical and emotional distance. Physical distance prevents us from truly getting to know each other on a deep emotional level, spending time together, enjoying one another, being there for each other, and providing support. Emotional distance happens when we are emotionally elsewhere, even though we may be physically together. When a person emotionally or physically withdraws from the relationship, s/he robs his or her partner of love, caring, affection, and intimacy, and causes pain, resentment, and possibly the temptation to feel the void through some other source. Sometimes, what causes a partner to withdraw emotionally is the fact that s/he is attracted to someone else (more often than not, at work) and allows that attraction to hurt the existing relationship. Unfortunately the grass is not, or rarely, greener on the other side, and the only thing that makes it appear enticing is your PEA hormones. Trading partner is trading one set of problems for another, and many cheaters who lose their spouse live to regret it.
Is there a secret to a happy lasting marriage? Marriage counselors will tell you that people who stay together do not have less marital issues than people who get divorced. They just approach marriage and marital issues differently. Marriage and relationships in general are about giving, and divorce is usually the result of selfishness on the part of one of both partners. If each of you gives more than expects, how can you possibly fail? This giving principle is thoroughly explained by author Willard F. Harley, Jr, in the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. He describes the husband's need for sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support (do keep the house clean and fix dinner), and admiration (sense of security), and the wife's need for affection, conversation, honesty and openness (sense of security), financial support, and family commitment as being things that each spouse must be able to provide for the other.
Before you contemplate being in a relationship, first realize that to find the right partner, you need to be the right partner. Proceed to get to know yourself and figure out what you are willing to compromise and what you are not. Answer the question: "Why do I want to be in a relationship?" and ensure that your answer has everything to do with a want and nothing to do with a need, like the need to make ends meet, the need for sexual fulfillment, or because you are emotionally needy and can't stand being alone. Need-based relationships are not happy ones. Only when you are whole, can you become someone's better half. As Claire Kamp Dush (study of Marital Instability over the Life Course, interviews with 691 individuals) noted, romantic relationships have the potential to affect people's mental health, physical health, sexuality, and financial status, and not only yours, but that of your children and possibly other family members as well: "People who are not in stable romantic relationships tend to report lower self-esteem, less life satisfaction, less happiness, and more distress." Once you know yourself, get to know your partner. Together, take Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages test and answer the many questions from Corey Donaldson's book Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!. Remember, "There are only two reasons men (and possibly women) don't get married: "They are not ready" and "You're not the one." (Author unknown). The rest is just excuses.
"For You See, Each Day I Love You More;
Today More than Yesterday and Less than Tomorrow."
Rosemonde Gerard
Joelle Osias, M.B.A.
Author, Get The Life You Deserve
President and C.E.O. Osias International, LLC
Chemistry is the intense feeling of excitement we experience when we meet someone new towards whom we feel physical or sexual attraction. Many of us believe it is the basis for a relationship - and it is a good start, assuming all other Cs are present as well - but in reality, it is nothing more than an intense chemical reaction of PEA (phenyl ethylamine) in the brain. When overwhelming, it can literally put us on cloud nine and prevent us from recognizing and protecting ourselves from toxic relationships. Chemistry includes sexual chemistry, we're-so- comfortable chemistry, we-laugh-like crazy-together chemistry, we're-so-complementary chemistry, and we-have-so-much in common chemistry. In True Love and Chemistry: Finding Your Soul Mate, author Toni Coleman even describes a "hidden element" of chemistry, which Kahlil Gibran calls "spiritual infinity" and defines as "Two beings (who) meet and connect on a deeper level".
Compatibility: World renowned Dr. Barbara De Angelis points out that "Love is not enough to make a relationship work. It needs compatibility and it needs commitment." She advises to look for six lasting inner strengths in a partner: commitment to personal growth, emotional openness, integrity, maturity and responsibility, high self-esteem, and a positive attitude toward life. She also warns about what she calls "Compatibility Time Bombs," defined as significant age difference, different religious, social, ethnic, or educational backgrounds, antagonistic in-laws, ex-spouse, or stepchildren, and long distance relationships. Even when these compatibility time bombs are not present in your relationship, you still need someone who shares your values, morals, intellectual and cultural tastes, physical, emotional, social, spiritual, communication, and love styles, and some of your interests and hobbies. Basically, while you do not need an exact replica of who you are, you want a partner who would be "your ideal vision of yourself."
Communication: Watch not only for verbal, but also for physical clues. As you have heard many times over, "Actions speak louder than words." For physical and action clues, I will refer you to the book (and movie) "He is just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo. Small talk, talk avoidance, the "Geez.. I am so busy this week", and not returning your phone calls speak for themselves. People are never too busy for what they truly want and put on their list of priorities what they choose, be it you, their family or friends, their job, their sports, or whatever else. In terms of verbal communication, keep in mind that we talk a lot but communicate very little. Some of us are so busy talking that we fail to listen. We are so focused on our own agenda that we forget a relationship is about "WE and US" not about "I and ME." Talking to oneself is a monologue, not a dialogue. Harville Hendrix, author of Keeping the Love You Find, created the Imago relationship therapy, which consists in three communication steps: Mirroring (listening and repeating what the other person says in YOUR OWN words to ensure that you truly understand the message), Validation (putting your own perspective on hold and making a conscious effort to "see the world in your partner's point of view), and Empathy ("Given what you told me, I can imagine how you might be feeling"). Grant it, communicating vs. talking takes time and patience, but it's well worth the effort.
Closeness is measured in terms of physical and emotional distance. Physical distance prevents us from truly getting to know each other on a deep emotional level, spending time together, enjoying one another, being there for each other, and providing support. Emotional distance happens when we are emotionally elsewhere, even though we may be physically together. When a person emotionally or physically withdraws from the relationship, s/he robs his or her partner of love, caring, affection, and intimacy, and causes pain, resentment, and possibly the temptation to feel the void through some other source. Sometimes, what causes a partner to withdraw emotionally is the fact that s/he is attracted to someone else (more often than not, at work) and allows that attraction to hurt the existing relationship. Unfortunately the grass is not, or rarely, greener on the other side, and the only thing that makes it appear enticing is your PEA hormones. Trading partner is trading one set of problems for another, and many cheaters who lose their spouse live to regret it.
Is there a secret to a happy lasting marriage? Marriage counselors will tell you that people who stay together do not have less marital issues than people who get divorced. They just approach marriage and marital issues differently. Marriage and relationships in general are about giving, and divorce is usually the result of selfishness on the part of one of both partners. If each of you gives more than expects, how can you possibly fail? This giving principle is thoroughly explained by author Willard F. Harley, Jr, in the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. He describes the husband's need for sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support (do keep the house clean and fix dinner), and admiration (sense of security), and the wife's need for affection, conversation, honesty and openness (sense of security), financial support, and family commitment as being things that each spouse must be able to provide for the other.
Before you contemplate being in a relationship, first realize that to find the right partner, you need to be the right partner. Proceed to get to know yourself and figure out what you are willing to compromise and what you are not. Answer the question: "Why do I want to be in a relationship?" and ensure that your answer has everything to do with a want and nothing to do with a need, like the need to make ends meet, the need for sexual fulfillment, or because you are emotionally needy and can't stand being alone. Need-based relationships are not happy ones. Only when you are whole, can you become someone's better half. As Claire Kamp Dush (study of Marital Instability over the Life Course, interviews with 691 individuals) noted, romantic relationships have the potential to affect people's mental health, physical health, sexuality, and financial status, and not only yours, but that of your children and possibly other family members as well: "People who are not in stable romantic relationships tend to report lower self-esteem, less life satisfaction, less happiness, and more distress." Once you know yourself, get to know your partner. Together, take Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages test and answer the many questions from Corey Donaldson's book Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!. Remember, "There are only two reasons men (and possibly women) don't get married: "They are not ready" and "You're not the one." (Author unknown). The rest is just excuses.
"For You See, Each Day I Love You More;
Today More than Yesterday and Less than Tomorrow."
Rosemonde Gerard
Joelle Osias, M.B.A.
Author, Get The Life You Deserve
President and C.E.O. Osias International, LLC
Thursday, May 6, 2010
What You Focus on Expands
I was just a kid when my philosophy teacher made the statement "What you focus on expands", and frankly I was completely clueless as to what he was referring to. Believe it or not, he never bothered to explain it either. It wasn't until ten years later or so, when I was listening to The Secret, that it finally clicked in. "What you focus on expands" was a statement much more powerful than I ever imagined!
Joelle Osias, MBA
Author, Get the Life You Deserve
President and CEO, Osias International, LLC
If you can only accept the fact that your thoughts drive your actions and your actions drive your life, then you have grasped the basic concept of what this is all about. Our thoughts are like the electricity that runs our mental and physical machine. You want positive energy to run through you, not negative energy, mainly because the energy that runs through you is like a magnet attracting other energy towards you. If you run on positive energy you attract other positive energy. Likewise, if you run on negative energy, you attract other negative energy.
If you focus on bad things, bad things will happen. The best example of that I have ever witnessed was that of a kid who affixed the poster of a convict behind bars on his bedroom wall. Day after day, that picture was there, on his wall, for years and years. Would you like to guess where he found himself one day?
What you think about, or focus on, expands. If you focus on being single and lonely, you will get more of single and lonely. If you focus on being fat, you will get more of fat. Get the picture? Why? because that's what you attract like a magnet. When you focus on things, you are sending vibes out to the universe which in return sends you more of what you are focusing on, thinking that it's what you are asking for and want. The universe is there to serve you.
Think of it as a radio station. If you tune it to classical music, what are the chances that you will hear country music? None! If you tune yourself to negative, that's what you will get, and more negative will come to you, because like attracts like. Positive people don't want to be around negative people. They tend to wear them out and drag them in the mud with them. You have heard the expression "Misery likes company." So, when you're tuned to negative, other negative people out there will come to you. They are on the same energy level as you are and can hear your cry for help.
Does this mean that you should avoid your friends when they go through a hard time? It depends! My rule on that is very simple: if you can pull them out of the hole, do it, but if they drag you in the hole with them, walk away! You won't be any help to them down in the dumps with them, and will only deny yourself the right to happiness in the process.
What it means, however, is that you may want to pay attention to your thoughts more closely. Be more aware of the statements you make to yourself and/or about yourself. Be more aware of those around you who tend to drag you down with them. Assess whether you are in a position to help or not.
From now on, challenge yourself to only think positive thoughts about yourself, your abilities, and your present and future, and surround yourself with people who do the same. Think of you as your "Dream You." Focus on what you want, not on what you don't have. Focus on where you want to be, not on where you have been. Then watch what happens...
Joelle Osias, MBA
Author, Get the Life You Deserve
President and CEO, Osias International, LLC
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Extraordinary Power of PMA
Life happens, but the thing is, life happens for everybody, good, bad, ugly, or indifferent. What makes a big difference is how we prepare or prevent and how we react. While prevention is the message of my entire book, Get the Life You Deserve, today, I want to focus on the aspects of our lives that can't be prevented, those very things we can't control.
We all have to deal with elements of our lives that are out of our control, such as the illness or death of a loved one, our own chronic pain or critical illness, the choices of others that negatively affect our lives or the consequences of our own wrong choices (hence, that's where prevention comes in handy!), a job, a boss, or a co-worker we can't stand or who makes our life miserable, an accident, the loss of a job, financial problems, or whatever else it may be...
The fact is: bad things happen to everybody. No one is immune! While we can't control some of those things however, we can control the way we react to them with a Positive Mental Attitude (PMA). Mental attitude is the difference between feeling like a victim and wallowing in it or making the best of your negative experiences.
Let's face it: we can all get drunk or dive into some type of drug to avoid dealing with the pain. However, numbness doesn't provide the answer and becoming addicted is not worth the risk. We can also spend the rest of our lives feeling sorry for ourselves and ruining our opportunity to find the happiness we deserve, but why would you allow something that happened in the past to destroy your present or future? You only have one shot at this life, and while this life is short, it seems like it is never ending when you're miserable!
A positive mental attitude is the best way to ride the tide. Make the best of the situation, no matter what the situation is. I am not going to tell you that I have always done that, because like most people, I have given in to depression when I have faced adversity. For instance, it took decades to get over my father passing away on my 18th birthday and I allowed events from my childhood to ruin my first marriage. What a waste of years and happiness that was! Worse yet, it affected other people! Once you understand that you can't move forward looking backwards, you simply stop looking backwards.
When I finally learned that lesson, I reacted differently. One example of that is when my 14 year-old ran away a few years ago. I could have fallen into depression again, but instead, I took a second job to stay busy in the evenings and weekends. I would come home between 10:30 and 11:00 pm and would cry myself to sleep. Then it was time to get up and go to work again. Likewise, I could have been depressed for the past several years, as I have been unable to find full-time employment, but I decided to use that spare time to write a 440-page book. You see, you can make lemonade out of a lemon, and in the end, you are stronger for it!
by Joelle Osias, MBA
President and CEO, Osias International, LLC
Author of Get the Life You Deserve
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Loving Life with ADD, ADHD
"Your child has ADD-ADHD." That's a little sentence every parent dreads to hear. I remember when one of my son's elementary school teacher tried it on me. I almost replied, "Putting him on Ritalin? What if we put you on Prozac instead?", but I held back.
The truth is: he has been a tough kid to deal with. Like many people with the same issue, the tendency to self medicate is great, and the best prevention and/or remedy is for him to gain a full understanding of what Attention Deficit Disorder entails. Sadly, he inherited it from me. People must wait for you to die to inherit your possessions, but not your genetic dysfunctions. Those are readily available, whether they claim them or not!
As soon as people hear ADD-ADHD, they think it's a curse, and it can be if you let it. However, it can also work to your advantage. I was not diagnosed until the age of 45 and 50 jobs later... All along I knew something wasn't quite right, but I was clueless as to what it was. I mastered all major functions of my new jobs within the first three months, by which time I was making major process and procedure improvements and saving the company a lot of money. It entertained me for about one year, then I was ready to move up or on.
It is true that we get bored, very impatient, forgetful, that we procrastinate, that being on time seems very trivial to us, that we hate being distracted and disturbed when we are in the middle of concentrating because we have a hard time getting back on task once we get out of focus. Background noises drive us crazy. We love to interrupt and be noisy. We talk too much. We blurt things out without thinking. Yet, ask me today if I regret going through 50+ jobs and I will tell you that I don't: My boredom has allowed me to go from field to field. I have done more things than anyone I know: law school, business school, business, HR, and economics majors, modeling, accounting, sales and marketing, advertising, public relations, photo shoots, writing, designing, human resources, management, retail and business sales, consulting, legal work, starting Europe, being on a city council, you name it, I have done it, have loved it, and have been fascinated!~
Had I known years ago, I suspect that my life would have been much different: my awareness would have allowed me to find ways to tame my eagerness and insatiable thirst for learning. This said, I love who I am today and enjoy the incredible amount of knowledge I have acquired.
However, being or living with a ADD or ADHD person can be challenging. Whether medication is the answer or not is an individual decision. As a ADD sufferer, I feel that I do well without help. For my ADHD son however, it appears as though the extra H (for Hyperactivity) creates some additional trouble. When you are constantly bombarded by information so fast that you can't possibly assimilate and process it all, it takes away your peace of mind and interferes with your ability to think and function, hence, the tendency to self medicate to calm down. Medication is a healthier solution than drugs or alcohol, and that's precisely the argument made by those who support medicating ADD and ADHD sufferers. Many ADD/ADHD patients have difficulty being slowed down by medication, however. When you have spent your entire life thinking and living at 200 miles an hour, being held back and slowed down by medication can be uncomfortable. Many of us enjoy a lot of the advantages of our ADD/ADHD condition: we are masters at multi-tasking and at accomplishing tasks much faster than most people. We also get easily bored, and therefore are very curious, and learn everything we can get our hands on. Under medication, it seems that our desire to accomplish a lot remains the same. What changes is our ability to do so. We feel held back, like you would when you feel sick yet have a long list of things you want to get done and don't seem to have the energy to get to it. It causes much frustration and can make it difficult to stay medicated.
ADD/ADHD sufferers may find it difficult to live a normal life. The disorder affects their education and schooling, their work, their relationships, their driving ability, and their marriage. Subsequently, they may have bouts of depression which brings them down, although the ADD/ADHD disorders tend to make them talkative, expressive, and obnoxious at times. Because of these ups and downs, it s not unusual for a depressed ADD/ADHD patient to be misdiagnosed as a bipolar disorder patient, with the ups mimicking the manic state, and the depression resembling the down state of bipolar disorder. That's why it is crucial for the patient or a family member to ensure that the counselor is very familiar with both ailments. Most counselors specialize in one area or another, be it alcoholism, marriage counseling, child psychology, mental illness, sexual disorder, etc. Just like you wouldn't want a foot surgeon to operate on your heart or brain, you wouldn't want the wrong counselor addressing your or your loved one's emotional issue. Here is a crucial piece of information: anti-depressants will appease a depressed ADD/ADHD patient and throw a bipolar patient into a manic state. One counselor out of four told me that. The three others misdiagnosed me. Don't be misdiagnosed!
For further information and practical advice to deal with ADD/ADHD, download the guide at ADHDactionguide.com or call 1-800-563-2265.
Joelle Osias, MBA
Author of "Get the Life You Deserve!"
President and CEO Osias International, LLC
The truth is: he has been a tough kid to deal with. Like many people with the same issue, the tendency to self medicate is great, and the best prevention and/or remedy is for him to gain a full understanding of what Attention Deficit Disorder entails. Sadly, he inherited it from me. People must wait for you to die to inherit your possessions, but not your genetic dysfunctions. Those are readily available, whether they claim them or not!
As soon as people hear ADD-ADHD, they think it's a curse, and it can be if you let it. However, it can also work to your advantage. I was not diagnosed until the age of 45 and 50 jobs later... All along I knew something wasn't quite right, but I was clueless as to what it was. I mastered all major functions of my new jobs within the first three months, by which time I was making major process and procedure improvements and saving the company a lot of money. It entertained me for about one year, then I was ready to move up or on.
It is true that we get bored, very impatient, forgetful, that we procrastinate, that being on time seems very trivial to us, that we hate being distracted and disturbed when we are in the middle of concentrating because we have a hard time getting back on task once we get out of focus. Background noises drive us crazy. We love to interrupt and be noisy. We talk too much. We blurt things out without thinking. Yet, ask me today if I regret going through 50+ jobs and I will tell you that I don't: My boredom has allowed me to go from field to field. I have done more things than anyone I know: law school, business school, business, HR, and economics majors, modeling, accounting, sales and marketing, advertising, public relations, photo shoots, writing, designing, human resources, management, retail and business sales, consulting, legal work, starting Europe, being on a city council, you name it, I have done it, have loved it, and have been fascinated!~
Had I known years ago, I suspect that my life would have been much different: my awareness would have allowed me to find ways to tame my eagerness and insatiable thirst for learning. This said, I love who I am today and enjoy the incredible amount of knowledge I have acquired.
However, being or living with a ADD or ADHD person can be challenging. Whether medication is the answer or not is an individual decision. As a ADD sufferer, I feel that I do well without help. For my ADHD son however, it appears as though the extra H (for Hyperactivity) creates some additional trouble. When you are constantly bombarded by information so fast that you can't possibly assimilate and process it all, it takes away your peace of mind and interferes with your ability to think and function, hence, the tendency to self medicate to calm down. Medication is a healthier solution than drugs or alcohol, and that's precisely the argument made by those who support medicating ADD and ADHD sufferers. Many ADD/ADHD patients have difficulty being slowed down by medication, however. When you have spent your entire life thinking and living at 200 miles an hour, being held back and slowed down by medication can be uncomfortable. Many of us enjoy a lot of the advantages of our ADD/ADHD condition: we are masters at multi-tasking and at accomplishing tasks much faster than most people. We also get easily bored, and therefore are very curious, and learn everything we can get our hands on. Under medication, it seems that our desire to accomplish a lot remains the same. What changes is our ability to do so. We feel held back, like you would when you feel sick yet have a long list of things you want to get done and don't seem to have the energy to get to it. It causes much frustration and can make it difficult to stay medicated.
ADD/ADHD sufferers may find it difficult to live a normal life. The disorder affects their education and schooling, their work, their relationships, their driving ability, and their marriage. Subsequently, they may have bouts of depression which brings them down, although the ADD/ADHD disorders tend to make them talkative, expressive, and obnoxious at times. Because of these ups and downs, it s not unusual for a depressed ADD/ADHD patient to be misdiagnosed as a bipolar disorder patient, with the ups mimicking the manic state, and the depression resembling the down state of bipolar disorder. That's why it is crucial for the patient or a family member to ensure that the counselor is very familiar with both ailments. Most counselors specialize in one area or another, be it alcoholism, marriage counseling, child psychology, mental illness, sexual disorder, etc. Just like you wouldn't want a foot surgeon to operate on your heart or brain, you wouldn't want the wrong counselor addressing your or your loved one's emotional issue. Here is a crucial piece of information: anti-depressants will appease a depressed ADD/ADHD patient and throw a bipolar patient into a manic state. One counselor out of four told me that. The three others misdiagnosed me. Don't be misdiagnosed!
For further information and practical advice to deal with ADD/ADHD, download the guide at ADHDactionguide.com or call 1-800-563-2265.
Joelle Osias, MBA
Author of "Get the Life You Deserve!"
President and CEO Osias International, LLC
Friday, April 2, 2010
If You Want Success, Welcome Failure...
Success doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, effort, patience, perseverance, persistence, and confidence. People tend to give up within the first few tries. Truly, the only difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is the number of times they both try.
Some of the most successful people failed many times before succeeding. Take Dutch painter Vincent Van Gogh for instance: He created some 900 paintings and 1100 drawings, yet only sold one, The Red Vineyard, in his lifetime. After his death, he became truly famous. His portrait of Dr. Gachet sold for $82.5 million~!
Many of us look at the word failure in a very traumatic way, when indeed it is nothing more than another experience, which has its rewards and benefits in the sense that it allows us to grow and become stronger. Short term, it certainly doesn't seem that way, but long term, if you can only apply what you have learned through failure, you will overcome it.
Don't be paralyzed by fear, be it fear of failure of fear of success. For one thing, most of what we fear and worry about never happens. So, it's just a waste of energy. Then, fearing something that is imminent doesn't prevent it from happening, as my father taught me, therefore you just make yourself miserable in the process. Rather than wasting your time in futile worrying, plan your next step. It will keep your mind off the bad things and keep you focused on moving forward. Finally, when you avoid making some important decisions due to your fear of failing, you are ensuring your failure. The best way to fail is to do nothing! My favorite quote from Guillaume Apollinaire reads:
"Come to the edge, he said.
They said: No, we are afraid!
Come to the egde, he said.
They came.
He pushed them
And they flew."
Don't let failure devastate your future. Realize that both success and failure are two sides of the same coin and that they are only temporary. Failure is not a dead end: it's only a detour. Don't blow it out of proportion. Get up and get going again! It's not much different than when you fell as a little kid. You got up, cleaned up your knees, wallowed in it for a minute, and perhaps got your mommy to kiss it better, but did it stop you from walking or running ever again???
Does Your Definition of Happiness Sabotage Your Life?
Do you ever wonder why you are not as happy as you would like to be, or not happy at all, for that matter? Do you envy other people who appear so much happier and luckier than you are?
If you do, you’re not alone. I was unhappy for countless years until I finally realized what I was doing to myself. I got a break from my misery for several years, until I set another unrealistic definition of happiness for me to live by. Here is how it all started…
Many years ago, I defined happiness as being married. When my seven-year marriage ended in a divorce, I was just 28, and still insisting that happiness was being married. I spent the next 15 years frantically looking for the love of my life. I lived for one thing and one thing only: being married. I became terribly needy, a quality that men find really attractive in a woman, as they run for the front door as fast as they can. I felt depressed, incomplete, undesired, and like life was terribly unfair. Why was the world depriving me of a husband and step dad for my son?
It took me a long time to understand what I had done. I had defined happiness in terms of something – finding the right man to marry – that was outside of my control. I was no longer whole either. I had become so needy that I was dysfunctional. Co-dependents go through a similar situation. They base their happiness on “saving” an addict partner or family member. People cannot control someone else’s behavior. In fact, it’s usually just the opposite: the addict affects the behaviors of the codependent person, who dodges the issues at stake, tip toes around the anger and abuse that ruins most of his or her days, and pretends that life is as good as it is going to get.
When you define what makes you happy, keep a realistic perspective on things. Define your happiness based on things within your control. Furthermore, if you find yourself saying things like “I will be happy when…” immediately switch your mindset to the here and now. You want to be happy now, not if or when… You want to enjoy the journey, not just the end result, because life is a journey, not an end result.
By Joelle Osias, MBA, Consultant
Author of “Get the Life You Deserve”
President and CEO, Osias International, LLC
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